


My Blood

by Of_stars_and_moon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Gen, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_stars_and_moon/pseuds/Of_stars_and_moon
Summary: He picked it up and on the bottom half of the first page, in bold letters it read: Regulus Arcturus Black reported missing, presumably dead.His heart dropped down into his stomach and he threw the newspaper on the table, hurrying to Sirius' room. He knocked impatiently. "Sirius? Please open the door.""Do you think he is dead?" Sirius' voice came through the door.(A normal morning crashes abruptly when bad news brings grief and past memories)
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	My Blood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashes_and_ashes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_ashes/gifts).



> This is a birthday fic for Ash aka our queen of angst since she loves angst so much  
> Tw: Mentions of death and past child abuse

On quite a rare occasion, Remus had woken up before Sirius, so he was preparing breakfast when he heard Sirius walk out of his room, humming a tune to himself. He expected Sirius to enter the kitchen soon, but the humming stopped and suddenly there were footsteps retreating back towards his room and the door was slammed shut loudly. 

Something about that was off, so Remus turned off the stove and walked into the living room. The newspaper was dropped on the ground and since Remus read it while having breakfast, he hadn't checked it yet. His heart clenched with fear as he wondered what horrific news Sirius had read. 

He picked it up and on the bottom half of the first page, in bold letters it read:  **Regulus Arcturus Black reported missing, presumably dead.**

His heart dropped down into his stomach and he threw the newspaper on the table, hurrying to Sirius' room. He knocked impatiently. "Sirius? Please open the door." 

"Do you think he is dead?" Sirius' voice came through the door. 

"He… He's just missing. He could be alive, Sirius. He could be okay." 

" _ 'Presumably dead' _ ," Sirius repeated, voice hitching on the second word. "He's dead, Remus. He's gone. And I shouldn't even care, right? I hadn't talked to him in over a year. He is- He  _ was _ not my brother. So what if he's dead-" 

He heard Sirius' voice tremble and there was a soft thud from the other side, like he had dropped his head against the door. Remus leaned his head against it too. "Please open the door, Pads." 

Suddenly there was a smack and the door rattled, presumably Sirius punching it. 

"Sirius-" Remus began, fear gripping him. 

"I don't wanna be sad over this," Sirius cut him off, voice hard with emotions. "Fuck, it shouldn't matter now-" Another rattle. "That stupid bastard! Why didn't he ever listen to me? Why didn't he leave?" 

Remus' heart ached with the need to hold Sirius and comfort him, and he thought of Regulus— how excited he was when he had come to Hogwarts, the seemingly unbreakable bond between him and Sirius, and how things had slowly deteriorated, how the brothers drifted apart, but how through all that Sirius still loved him deep down, how Regulus was still just a kid whose parents' mania led him to his death. 

He felt his eyes stinging with tears as Sirius said, "I couldn't do anything, Re. I failed him. I couldn't convince him to come with me and now he's gone." 

"Sirius, it's not your fault." 

"It is. I know I shouldn't care... But he was my brother and I lost him." 

"Sirius, it's okay if you care and if you're sad. No matter what, I know you loved him and I know it hurts. But please don't blame yourself." 

He heard stuttering breaths and gasps, and realizing it was Sirius crying, screwed his eyes shut. "Sirius, please let me in," he said, voice shaking. 

Thankfully after a moment the door clicked open and as he saw Sirius, head bowed and shoulders shaking with sobs, he felt like crying too? Gently cradling Sirius' bloodied hands, he placed them on chest and stepped forward to pull Sirius in his arms, rubbing his back as he buried his face in Remus' sweater. Remus murmured soft words of his encouragement that were nothing more than false hope, but he needed to do something to help. 

He didn't know how long they stood there before Sirius' sobs turned into gasping breaths and hiccups and he pulled away, wiping at his red cheeks. Remus had seen Sirius cry before, but it was never like this; his bloodshot eyes were puffy, nose and lips red and his cheeks were tear stained and blotched. 

"Do you want something to drink?" Remus offered. 

"Water would be nice," Sirius replied, voice raspy and trembling. 

"Okay." Remus led him to the sofa, before hurrying to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Making his way back to the living room, he handed the glass to Sirius and sat down beside him. 

Sirius gulped down the water quickly, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

Remus took his hand in his, and healed his split knuckles, asking, "Do… Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius shook his head in a no. "Can you just talk about something else? Or read something?" 

"Yeah sure." Remus picked his book from the table. "You want to lay down?" 

Sirius jerked a nod, and rested his head in Remus' lap. Minnie walked out of Remus' room and came to them, curling up near Sirius' chest and Sirius gave her a small barely there smile, and closed his eyes as Remus began to read. 

Remus moved his free hand to stroke Sirius' hair as he knew that the action always helped make him feel better. And some pages later, Sirius' breathing evened out meaning he had fallen asleep and Remus felt a rush of relief. At least in sleep, he could be free of this pain. 

\---

Sirius woke up with a building headache and stinging eyes. As he realized that he was in the living room with his head on Remus’ lap, he remembered the morning’s events. At first, he hoped desperately that it was a nightmare, but the worried voices talking around him broke that hope. Rubbing his eyes, he looked around to find the others there too, they must have come here when he was asleep.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Remus said softly, brushing his hair away from his forehead.

Sirius sat up and shuffled to lean against Remus’ shoulder. James, who was sitting with Lily and Peter on the other sofa, got up to sit beside him.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked carefully.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said honestly. He was…shocked. Though he had feared that Regulus could get hurt, it’s like he hadn’t realized that he could– would– die one day. Maybe, deep down, he had hoped that he would make it through the war. And then there was the guilt, regret and anger at himself for leaving Regulus there. What he hadn’t expected was the sadness heavy in his heart making every breath harder. He had already lost his brother a long time ago, so it shouldn’t have mattered if he was dead now, but knowing that his brother was alive and hated him had been so less painful than this.

Everything hurt so much.

“You know I always thought one of us would kill the other someday,” he said with a hollow laugh. “Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore.”

Remus inhaled a harsh breath and Lily whispered a pained, “Oh Sirius.”

“Do you think,” Peter began, “I mean do you think that there could be a chance that he is alive?”

“I don’t know-” Sirius cleared his throat, hating how his voice cracked. “I don’t think hoping for that is going to…result in anything.” He stared down at Minnie sitting near his feet and blinked hard against the tears filling his eyes again. Remus, probably noticing this, wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulder pulling him close so Sirius dropped his head on Remus’ shoulder and closed his eyes as the tears escaped through his lashes. He sniffled and wiped his cheeks. “Fuck, I don’t know what to do.”

James put a hand on his arm. “It’s going to be okay, Pads. Slowly it will be easier.”

Sirius gave a nod. “It’s probably for the best,” he muttered, swallowing against the painful lump in his throat. “He is at least free from this war now. And he was saved from Azkaban.”

“We’ll pray for his soul,” Lily said and Sirius noticed that her hands were open in her lap; she was probably already making  _ dua _ .

“Thanks,” he rasped.

She gave him a small smile. “I’ll make you some tea, okay?”

He nodded and closed his eyes again. He didn't know what he was going to do now, or how hard it would be to come to terms with this, but he was grateful that he had his family who would always be here with him. He had no idea what he would have done without them. 

That night as he lay in bed, Minnie jumped up on the bed and nudged his hand softly and he began stroking her fur. Seeing her right now brought a faraway memory, one he had buried deep in and was blurred around the edges, but still close to his heart.

~~~

_ Sirius was playing in the backyard with Regulus when he heard rustling from some bushes. _

__

_ “What’s that?” Regulus asked as they walked towards the sound. _

__

_ “I don’t know,” Sirius replied but just then, the bushes moved and a cat walked out. _

__

_ “It’s a cat,” Regulus said, crouching down. _

__

_ “Where do you think it came from?” _

__

_ “I don’t know,” regulus replied, shrugging. He then called Kreacher and asked him to bring a bowl of milk. _

__

_ “If he tells mother when she gets back home, she won’t be happy,” Sirius told him. _

__

_ “I trust him. He won’t.” _

__

_ “Alright then,” Sirius said and kneeled down in front of the cat. “Hello there, little cat. How did you get here?” _

__

_ “She can’t understand you, you know?”  _

__

_ “But what if she does? You never know until you try,” Sirius retorted and slowly reached out to touch her. She leaned into his hand and he let out a surprised laugh. “See? She likes me. I like you too, little cat.” _

__

_ “Wait till I give her milk,” Regulus huffed and sat down besides Sirius. _

__

_ “That’s cheating!” Sirius accused, narrowing his eyes. _

__

_ “That’s not!” Regulus replied stubbornly. He softly started to pet her as well and she purred. “What was that?” Regulus asked, eyes widening.  _

__

_ “That was purring,” Sirius replied. “Don’t you remember when we visited uncle Alphard and his neighbor had that cat that he told us about?” _

__

_ Regulus frowned. “I don’t really.” _

__

_ “Your memory scares me.” _

__

_ “Hey, that was years ago!” _

__

_ “Whatever,” Sirius said, then turning towards the cat, told her, “Little cat, do you know this moron has a very bad memory?” _

__

_ “I don’t,” Regulus replied petuntaly. “And stop calling her that. She’s not little.” _

__

_ “What should we call her then?” _

__

_ Regulus hummed thoughtfully for some time before saying, “Luna” _

__

_ “Sounds good,” Sirius agreed. And as Kreacher returned with the milk, said, “What took you so goddamn long?” _

__

_ Regulus shushed him and took the bowl from Kreacher, placing it in front of Luna. She drank it so quickly that Sirius was worried she would choke on it. _

__

_ “She seems hungry,” Regulus said. _

__

_ “She does. Do you think she is a stray or someone’s pet?” _

__

_ “I don’t think she would be roaming around like this if she was a pet,” Regulus said and Sirius agreed. “Do you think we could keep her here?” _

__

_ “I don’t think so,” Sirius said, remembering how when he came back from visiting his uncle that day, he had asked his parents if they could get a cat and how they had refused and said they were worthless creatures. He didn’t want Regulus to feel the same disappointment. “We could feed her more food though, before mother and father come back.” _

__

_ “Yeah we could.” Then he turned to Luna and spoke in a different voice, “Do you want more milk, luna?” _

__

_ Sirius snorted. “You look so stupid talking like that.” _

__

_ Regulus glared at him, but then Luna nudged his hand, meowing impatiently and Regulus’ face lit up with a bright smile. “She wants more.” _

__

_ As Kreacher left to get more milk, she climbed on Regulus’ lap and he stilled; Sirius was certain that he was even holding his breath. She moved a little before settling comfortably. _

__

_ “Reg? You breathing?” Sirius asked. _

__

_ “She is sitting on my lap,” Regulus whispered, likely afraid that talking any louder would startle her. _

__

_ “You should continue petting her,” Sirius said in a whisper.  _

__

_ Regulus did as told and they were rewarded with more purring. “She’s so warm and soft,” Regulus whispered in awe and he looked about to explode with excitement.  _

__

_ Sirius was only a little jealous that he got the upper hand because of the milk, but mostly he was just too happy seeing his brother being so mushy. _

__

~~~

Luna had come around every day after that for weeks. Their parents had scolded them when they saw her and had refused to let her in the house. But after one rainy day, she hadn’t come back, and they knew it meant that she was maybe in a different home. Sirius remembered how upset Regulus was over it.

~~~

__

_ The door creaked open and Regulus walked in, closing the door behind him softly. “Can I sleep here?” he asked in a small voice. _

__

_ “Of course.” Sirius shifted to make space for him and Regulus laid down beside him. _

__

_ “I miss Luna,” Regulus said, voice wobbly. _

__

_ “Me too,” Sirius sighed. _

__

_ “Do you think she will come back?” _

__

_ “Maybe,” Sirius said, because he didn’t want to make Regulus feel worse by saying no. _

__

_ “Mother said she won’t.” _

__

_ “You talked to her?” Sirius asked, alarmed suddenly. He remembered the slap he got when he had asked his mother if they could keep her. It was dark, but his eyes flickered over Regulus’ face to see any signs of injury. _

__

_ “I asked her if we could look around the neighborhood to see if she’s around here somewhere,” Regulus replied. “But she said I shouldn’t get attached to stupid things and that she won’t come back.” _

__

_ “That’s not true. She might come back some day.” _

__

_ “What if she doesn’t?” Regulus asked. _

__

_ Sirius couldn’t bear the sadness in his voice so he said, “Then we can get some other cat someday. It won’t be the same, I know. But it’s still something.” _

__

_ “We can get cats when we grow up?” Regulus’ voice filled with hope. _

__

_ “Sure. We’ll get many kittens and they will all sleep here with us.” _

__

_ “That sounds nice,” Regulus said. “I can’t wait to grow up.” _

__

_ “Well you need a lot of sleep to grow up quickly. Otherwise you’ll stay tiny forever.” _

__

_ “Wait really? Are you messing with me?” _

__

_ “Yeah, so go and sleep and dream of cats.” _

__

_ “I don’t dream of cats,” Regulus said defensively and put an arm on Sirius’ chest. “Goodnight, Sirius.” _

__

_ “Goodnight, Reg.”  _

__

~~~

__

His eyes were sore and aching but he couldn’t stop more tears from falling. It was one of the memories of Regulus that he didn’t let himself go back to, because it brought along too much pain and guilt as he remembered the promise he failed to keep. But what was more pain in a sea of agony?

He closed his eyes and let the memories overcome him.

~~~

_ Sirius and Regulus sat on the floor of Sirius' bedroom, pieces of colored paper lying around them. _

__

_ “Where did you even get this much paper and glitter?” Regulus asked. _

__

_ “I told mother that I need some school stuff and went with uncle alphard,” Sirius replied, gluing some glitter to the bold E letter. _

__

_ “What if she sees this?” regulus asked. _

__

_ “She won’t. I will keep this in a simple envelope and tell her it’s just a letter.” _

__

_ “Okay,” Regulus said, and they worked in silence on the Eid card for some time, before Regulus sighed and said, “Is this really so important? My fingers are tired from cutting so much paper!” _

__

_ “It is! Last year we celebrated the Eid together at school and since we can’t this year, I want to send this to James. So help me with this quickly please,” Sirius said desperately. _

__

_ “How come you celebrated it last year at school but not this year?” _

__

_ “Because this year it fell during the holidays. Eid date is influenced by the moon or something so.” _

__

_ “So it’s on a different day every year?” _

__

_ “Yeah,” Sirius said. _

__

_ “How’s that?” _

__

_ “I’m not really sure. I asked James about it, but I don’t really remember now. Something like seeing the moon before the day of the Eid. I’ll ask him again in the letter.” _

__

_ “Alright,” Regulus said. He fumbled with a glitter packet and it burst open, throwing glitter on his hair and the papers. Sirius should probably have felt bad about the mess on the papers but he couldn’t stop himself from laughing at Regulus’ face. _

__

_ “Stop laughing. It is not that funny,” regulus said but he was smiling too. “I’m leaving then. Do it yourself.” _

__

_ “No, wait. I won’t laugh, I swear,” Sirius said and collected some fallen glitter. “I wonder if we can make that happen to James when he opens the card.” _

__

_ Regulus let out a laugh. “That might be possible.” _

__

~~~

__

_ “Why do you keep doing this?” Regulus asked, standing at the door to Sirius’ room. _

__

_ “I do a lot of things I shouldn’t be doing. You have to be more specific,” Sirius replied. _

__

_ “You know what I’m talking about,” regulus said with a pointed look at Sirius’ bruised cheek. “Why do you keep arguing with them when you know they will never listen and only punish you?” _

__

_ “I don’t like when they talk shit about my friends,” Sirius said. _

__

_ “And what’s arguing with them going to do?” _

__

_ “I don’t know. At least they stop talking.” _

__

_ “Because they are busy shutting you up,” Regulus shot back. “Just why can’t you let them say what they want? It’s not like they are going to hurt your friends with their words.” _

__

_ “It's words now, but one day they could really hurt them. They have this stupid power that they can do whatever they want.” ? _

__

_ Regulus sighed, shaking his head. “There’s a family dinner this weekend. Try not to antagonize everyone. At least for me. I don’t like seeing you hurt.” _

__

_ Sirius heaved a sigh. “I will try.”  _

__

_ “Good.” _

~~~

Sirius was brought out of the memories as the door opened and Remus entered. Sirius hurriedly wiped his eyes but he knew it was in vain.

Remus sat down near Sirius, face pained, and spoke in a gentle voice, “Do you need anything?”

_ I just want to see him one more time. I just want him to come back. I just need him to be okay. _ Sniffling, Sirius shook his head. “No, it's fine. I think Minnie has fallen asleep.”

“Yeah she has,” Remus said, glancing down at her. He settled down beside him and gently brushed away Sirius’ tears, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

“You know,” Sirius started in a rough voice, “We had thought we would get cats when we grew up.”

“Fuck, Sirius,” Remus breathed out. “I’m sorry.” He cupped Sirius’ jaw, stroking his cheek.

Sirius inhaled deeply. “He would have liked Minnie.”

“Minnie would have liked him too.”

“Yeah.” Sirius let out a breath as Remus began stroking his hair, the action calming him gradually. He shifted close to Remus and the sound of his even breaths and Minnie’s soft purring soon lulled him to sleep and to dreams of his brother. 

**Author's Note:**

> ...I'm sorry? if it helps, I made myself very sad too T_T Kudos and comments mean the world!


End file.
